Circumstances do not matter, only my state of being matters.

Hello world. The following was written 3/14/2016.

For the past two weeks I have been in severe pain. The amount of suffering I have endured has amazed me in the extreme. Yet, through all of it I have not been complaining. I have not been asking God why I am being punished or what I have done wrong as I would have in my past. As my pain crescendos to it’s peak my tears flow freely. My cries are caught within the confines of my pillow. Through all of it I ask what it’s purpose is for. How is this of benefit to me?

The very fact I am not reacting to my suffering by lashing out is a milestone in itself. Even at my crankiest I am able to extend love and kindness to my Husband. As my tears flow I see his flowing as well. For in my pain and suffering, he is suffering too. For every spasm I endure he must also endure it. For there is nothing he may do to take away my pain and suffering from me. All he may do is sit here rubbing the spots I point too in the hopes it may help ease my suffering some small bit.

I ask, what the purpose of all this suffering is for? How is any of this of benefit to me? As I have knelt here on my knees and elbows for relief from the pain I watched the dishes pile up in my sink. I watched the laundry overflow the basket and the scum build up in my toilet. Yet, through all of it I was still answering the phone, emails, and scheduling business appointments.