How have you been conforming on your journey?

Hello world. The following was written 4/2/2016.

I can pinpoint the exact moment I made the choice and decision to believe I was unworthy of love, affection, physical touch, and humane treatment. The moment I chose to believe I deserved everything I was experiencing and going through on my journey. I was 9 months old. I judged myself in those moments based off of my circumstances and those around me. Their treatment of me is how I perceived myself. I choose to believe their judgments and opinions of me and the things that were being done to me. Things like rapes, beatings, molestation, and general cruelties done with intent to punish and separate.

I can also pin the exact moment I made the choice and decision to believe that if I was fat that would get them to stop touching me and visiting me. That if I was fat I would no longer be attractive to them. I was three years old. This affected the way I started to consume food. I became chubby. At age nine I chose to believe I was doing something wrong. Because the rapes began in strength. I chose to believe I must not be fat enough and ugly enough.

I had no understanding that my nine year old body was already showing signs of the woman I would grow into physically. That how I looked and was shaped was natural. I simply chose to judge it based off the way I was being treated. The judgments handed to me. The pain and suffering I endured of being treated as less than human.