The nightmare that had been taught to me…

Hello world. The following was written 8/22/2014.

I came across this as I was sorting files and cleaning up some folders tonight. It brought into focus where I have been and where I am at now. That a miracle happened the day I realized nothing has ever gone wrong…

“I seem to have a problem. A very deep seated, ugly problem that doesn’t want to go away, type of problem. It seems I have been conditioned to be terrified of ever asking for or reaching out for help from anyone for anything or accepting any kind of direction from another person regarding my path in life. Growing up it seemed that when I asked or reached out for help it came with punishments and thoughtless comments with shows of annoyance then told I imagined it, made it up, was lying followed with violence and very real threats of death.

As I got older this pattern continued reaching me even through my peers. The comments got harsher. The tempers shorter. My abusers more daring. My fear greater. Finding myself backed into a corner, I learned I had to conform and accept everything being done to me and told to me as my own fault and their words were the truth, or be punished with violence for not accepting what they were dictating to me. It felt like I deserved to be kicked, beaten, molested, raped, and locked in a closet for hours tied up and that I asked for it all. I invited all of it onto myself. It made me feel like I am dirty, used, unclean, unworthy to be loved by anyone, a burden to be gotten rid of, to stupid to ever…