Hello world. The following was written 1/25/2014.
I came across this, as I was sorting files and cleaning up some folders tonight. It brought into focus, where I have been and where I am at now. A miracle happened the day I realized, nothing has ever gone wrong.
“I seem to have a problem. A very deep seated ugly problem, which doesn’t want to go away. It seems I have been conditioned to be terrified, of ever asking for or reaching out for help from anyone for anything or accepting any kind of direction from another person, regarding my path in life. Growing up it seemed when I asked or reached out for help, it came with punishments and thoughtless comments, with shows of annoyance. Then told I imagined it, made it up, was lying, followed with violence and very real, threats of death.
As I got older, this pattern continued reaching me, even through my peers. The comments, got harsher. The tempers, shorter. My abusers, more daring. My fear, greater. Finding myself backed into a corner, I learned I had to conform and accept everything being done to me and told to me as my own fault and their words were the Truth, or be punished with violence, for not accepting what they were dictating to me. It felt like I deserved to be kicked, beaten, molested, raped, and locked in a closet for hours tied up, and I asked for it all. I invited all of it, onto myself. It made me feel dirty, used, unclean, unworthy to be loved by anyone, a burden to be gotten rid of, to stupid to ever learn anything and useless. Yeah, I heard it all and most of it, while growing up.
It seemed to my young mind, any time I reached out for help, my hand was slapped. Then it was grabbed and the beatings to my body, mind and Soul would begin again, with their voices screaming at me, “It’s all in your head. You’re just imagining it. You’re making it up. You’re not thinking right. What’s wrong with you? How could you, let them touch you? I’m disgusted with you! You must have asked for it! You initiated it all, didn’t you? You’re a slut! Whore! You know you asked for this. This is going to hurt me, more then it hurts you.” Then the looks and whispers. The sudden silences, when I would come into a room. Feeling unwanted and even worse, repulsed by those I loved.
The doctors, counselors, therapists, law enforcement and THE ADULTS, had the same theme it seemed. I tell them what has happened or is happening. They ask questions and I answer them. Then the…